Building Trust and Community in a Virtual World: It’s time to write a new story

By Drs Amanda Matejicek, Tatijana Busic, and Carlos Davidovich

Welcome to the 21st Century. A world of volatility, uncertainty, chronic threat, and rapid change. The pandemic and long-overdue justice movements have forced us to pull our heads out of the sand and acknowledge broken systems. As we experience the full economic impact of the pandemic, we’ll see further erosion in the coming years.

The breakdown in our systems has made it clear – we need to change the social organization we call business.

Globally, we’ve been thrust into a new system, almost overnight. Being instructed to socially distance has put a psychological wedge between people. We can bridge this chasm by fostering social connection, despite physical distance, masks, shields, plexiglass or computers. 

We believe that the path to thriving begins by re-building trust and community. Our aim is to inspire and illuminate the path forward.

First, let’s acknowledge our exhaustion. Fear and uncertainty are the new players. Chronic and pervasive threat has traumatized our brains and triggered tunnel vision, pessimism, generalization of fear, and has grossly depleted our capacity to think clearly, creatively, and strategically. If you’ve been struggling lately, welcome to the human club. When there is this much fear, it’s hard to think. Your body and mind are focused on survival!

Let’s start with a deep dive into the magic of the social organ, the human brain. 

The 7-Laws of You

1. We’re Emotional by Design - We are not rational beings that feel, we are emotional beings that think.

We have five brains. 

The one in your skull has three layers that evolved over time. The oldest part, your reptilian brain is about 500 million years old. Think of it as an omnipotent fire-breathing dragon whose job is to keep you alive. The second layer, the emotional brain, is about 200 million years old. It’s your emotional command centre where feelings like joy, lust, love, anger, sadness, shame exist. It’s also the home of biases or the beliefs that you’ve developed over the course of your lifetime. The top layer is your CEO. The big decision-maker or the rational brain. It’s about 40,000 years old. It’s a toddler in comparison to the other layers. 

The one in your heart. The heart brain picks up sensory experiences in your body and sends messages to your other brain. In fact, the heart sends more information to the brain than the brain sends to the heart, and both work in conjunction. Research suggests that the heart is involved in what is known as strategic intuition.

Finally, your gut brain. The gut brain (your intestines) is intimately connected to mental health and mood. It’s in charge of about 95% of the production of your happy hormone, serotonin.

Fascinatingly, of all these brains, only one is rational. The rest are emotional and instinctual. This means that 80% of the inputs we receive from our body are influenced by our emotions and instincts. Sorry leaders. Contrary to popular belief, “rational leadership” is limited leadership. It’s time to ramp up our EQ. 

2. The Brain is a Social Organ

Without connection, nothing develops, nothing happens and eventually the human race is extinct. That’s the basic truth. Relationships are a must. It’s biologically based and deeply etched in our most primitive brain. We are community; we feed on connections, on our connections help shape and define us.

3. You’re Optimistic by Design

We’re all born with a drive to live. It’s a biologically based instinct that explains why people survive horrifying experiences. We’re all hopeful by default but we’ve been socialized to believe otherwise. 

4. Your Brain is a Sophisticated Information Processing System

Our brain receives over 11 million pieces of information per second – we consciously process 40 pieces per second – our brain is an information processing machine and highly efficient indeed. By design it is always connecting the dots. This means that it can handle a lot!!! Including 21st century disruption. 

5. Your Brain is Unfinished

Your brain is in continual growth and evolution. The concept of neuroplasticity means it is malleable and can re-wire over and over again. It’s changing all the time. Through intention, we have the freedom and choice to design how to finish it!

6. Your Brain is Subjective

We each see the world, not as it is, but as we are. We are each differentiated in terms of how we experience, interpret and make sense of our world. We each have our own world view through which we process information and relate to ourselves and others.

7. Your Brain Needs to Make Sense of the World

When the brain can’t make sense of what’s going on, it will fill in the blanks in two ways. We use heuristics, biases and mental shortcuts to fill in the blanks when information is missing. Or we look to authoritative, directive sources of information when times are uncertain – hence the rise of extremist thinking or divisive politicians.

The Conditions for Building Trust and Community: It’s Time to Get Radical

Knowing how social our brain is, is the first step of becoming radically aware. This means paying attention to how you and others think and feel about yourselves, each other and the world. We then need to become radically accepting. Stop fighting the truth! Life sucks right now and it’s scary. Let’s accept this fact and stop waiting for the “new normal.” We need to accept the situation so that we can look for the place of opportunity to act, to make change and to write a new story. Once we accept this truth, we can take radical accountability for ourselves, how we show up in the world and our role in this mess. Once we do this, the possibility for change opens up. We can now see the windows of opportunity and get strategic about building strong, agile communities. Now we’re ready to communicate with radical transparency: speaking respectfully, directly and clearly. When we’re radically transparent, we all know where we stand and this is the foundation of trust. Ultimately, this sets us up for radical connection. Radical connection is about creating interpersonal certainty. We need to be able to define what it is we need from each other and what it is we have to give each other so that we can create new definitions, new ways of being in relation with others. 

Tips

Now that you’ve learned about the magic of your beautiful brains and have been inspired to get radical! Here are a few tips to start practicing. 

Stop talking so much. Listen more. Listen with the intent to connect with others' experiences and ask questions. When you do this for others, they’ll start doing it for you. Over time, it becomes the socially rewarding default and build’s understanding between people. 

Acknowledge and validate people. This isn’t about agreeing or being nice. It’s about really recognizing people's lives. Their experiences are real and valid. 

Stop judging. No offense but outside the courtroom, judgemental talk is a connection killer. You won’t get anywhere, fast. 

Slow down. Delay the impulse to act. We promise that by slowing down and being more intentional, you’ll set yourself up for far greater success. 

Communicate for connection. Pay attention to the language you’re using. If you’re speaking from a place of deficit or negative, stop, reframe and then speak again. Language matters.

We are in the middle of a “choose your own adventure” novel here. The plot has unfolded, our characters are at a pivotal point in the story… will we go down the tunnel of despair and fear? Will we turn towards our known ingroups for an us vs. them, struggle for survival? Or will we come together more collectively to write the next chapter based on hope and optimism for human growth? The story is ours to write. 

Our hope is that we’ve kindled a sense of inspiration in you. Now go write your story. And call us if you need some help.

With gratitude,

Amanda, Tatijana, and Carlos